if we were villains: x the last dinner party
- paigenherbooks
- Feb 2, 2024
- 5 min read
5/5
This is my third re-read of If We Were Villains and something about this time around this book shook me so deep to my core that I had to give it a 5/5. This raw story of a group of characters so intricate and simple at the same time gave me goosebumps and made me sob even more than the first time I read it. It was as if something clicked in my brain and all the nuances, the pain, and beauty came pouring out in a way it hadn’t before. M.L Rio is a fantastic writer with such a talent for bringing readers in and making them sit in this chaotically beautiful yet traumatizing story.
It’s haunting, heartfelt, and dark academia done so so well.
For this review I decided to do something way different.
The Last Dinner Party is a girl group who dropped an album today and they have a song, “On Your Side” that just echos so violently of James & Oliver that I knew I just had to incorporate it into the “review”.
So, if you haven’t read If We Were Villains, there may be some spoilers or some things you don’t understand–just a fair warning.
"On Your Side": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rviP4LEjaZo
“I know I’m better off not looking back, forgive me father, wont you take it back?”
Oliver knows that after his final blow, his final decision in the last act of the book that it’s done. That he can’t undo it and he honestly doesn’t want to. He has accepted his fate, though like many, at times wishes there was a different outcome, a “father forgive them or a let this cup pass from me” to quote Jesus of Nazareth. He knows that looking forward is the only way to continue.
“That we were lovers, bodies touching on park benches, stray dogs watching, it disgusts me now”
James and Oliver’s relationship is so complicated, so tortured. Two best friends who mean more than the world to each other and they both know this without ever saying it. This line brings such vivid memories of the shame they both feel at times, that they aren’t giving their all to their other partners. This line “bodies touching on park benches, stray dogs watching, it disgusts me now” is how Oliver & James were so close, roomates, and best friends, and at times tried so hard to keep their relationship out of sight, even to themselves. "Stray dogs" meaning everyone else watching and knowing. It also brings up the rage and jealously Oliver feels at seeing James interact with Wren and vice versa for James and watching Oliver & Meredith intertwine.
It disgusts them both for so many different reasons.
“I wish I didn’t want you, Wish I could do without, this blood on my face, where your teeth sunk in, bite me again”
Oliver has a scene in the novel where he confronts James telling him he wishes he could hate him, that he honestly should, but he just can’t. He knows that no matter what James done he simply cannot fathom hating him. He wishes more than anything that they could have a relationship that isn’t marred by blood, whether it’s his own, James’s, or someone elses. Oliver wishes there was some other way but he knows that undoubtedly he would continue this way forever.
“When it’s 4 AM, and your heart is breaking, I will hold your hands, to stop them from shaking, if it takes all night, I will be on your side”
This line brings me to tears.
I feel it so viciously in my chest.
Within the novel this time of 4 AM is a time when something quite large happens to our cast of characters and the plot overall. Oliver and James have an encounter shortly after and Oliver has no idea what has occurred but once again is there for James. There are so many moments in the novel where Oliver and James have these moments of intimacy, moments where they stay by their side, especially kind and good Oliver. There to ensure that James is okay, to make sure that he knows he is on his side, despite everything and nothing at all.
“Back to the olive mount you lead me to, the wind was blinding so I clung to you, and you smiled so sweetly, as you threw me, down the rocks into the seaweed, you thought I could fly”
This line can be looked at from both points of view.
Let’s start with James.
James finally feels like he can be honest with Oliver and he is, despite being so terrified of what comes next. Oliver leads him to this place of peace, the olive mount. He says it’s going to be okay, James is in the state of turmoil, the wind was blinding, so Oliver becomes the one thing he clings to, he knows if he is with Oliver he is, in some respects, safe. Oliver smiles and understands before throwing him down, which I interpreted as Oliver taking the true fall. He throws down James wants and his sins to transgress them as his own, but in doing this James misses the rocks, the consequences bestowed by others and lands in the seaweed, into the water. Where he meets his own version of consequences (if you know you know). Oliver thought he would fly, fly away from everything that had transpired but instead James falls.
Oliver’s perspective on this is a little different. He feels as if, after the confession, that him and James are back to normal, that they will figure it out on the olive mount. He clings to James, and knows exactly what he is going to do but instead after some time has passed he feels as if James has tossed him down. He throws him, leaving him with the sentiment that he will go start a new life, that he will fly. Oliver falls instead into the seaweed, the sadness, and depression of what just occurred.
“When you’re lying here, I believe you love me, you can hold my hair back when you kiss me, if you stay all night, I will be on your side”
THIS LINE. UGH.
Oliver and James share a room and are very close as well as a scene where James unexpectedly comes to Oliver’s house and they share a bed. In those moments, the emotion and atmosphere of the book is so raw and exciting while being so intense. In these moments it’s so palpable the feelings that the boys share, in these small moments they can let go and believe what they want.
There’s a scene in the novel where Oliver and James are playing characters in the play Lear, and there’s a moment after the big reveal that they become their characters while still being so rawly themselves. They share a kiss, one that is too raw and real to be part of script, it’s something we’ve yearned for the whole book and finally receive, and the pact has been made. That regardless Oliver will be there for James, in any instant for any reason.
This song has such a melancholy tone that simply describes the intricate relationship between James and Oliver that perfectly describes the love, the hate, the confusion, pain, beauty, the hell of it all.
If We Were Villains, is a novel that is hard to read sometimes. It is so hard hitting and breaks my heart every time I read it. The drama of it, the relationships that are formed, broken, reformed, and never spoken of again, is something that M.L. Rio accomplishes so well. You read this novel and you yearn.
You cry. You want, you laugh, and sometimes you sit and stare at the wall after finishing it.
It’s a story that has stuck with me and will continue to be a world I revisit.
A unique take on dark academia, If We Were Villains begs just that question, what if, we were villains.
to love, to poetry & life.
xoxo,
paige
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